Bah Humbug, Part 1

  Greetings. I really have no idea what bah humbug means, but it sounds dirty, like ghoulash or Kardashian. There is always somebody who isn't in the holiday mood or does not care for the festivities. That guy is me. Seriously, since when did Christmas translate to 'I want an iPad and an XBox'? I refuse to subscribe to that shallow thinking, and rather use this time to reflect on the good fortune in my life, no matter how miniscule. Plus, it was this exact time my mom passed three years ago, so being god damn festive and jolly ain't happening...
  So, because I'm such a sentimental son of a bitch, here is my list of things that generally irritate, annoy or bug the crap out of me. Enjoy.
  1. Not bringing a water bottle to the gym. Really, dicknose? You are roughly 3/4 water and waste so much time waddling your ass to the water fountain. So when I am filling my gallon jug and you have to wait, realize that I am actually making you wait on purpose.
  2. Benching and curling. This is especially rampant here in the military, because we all know how much ya bench totally translates to job performance. And the gun show usually resembles a pop gun circus. Guys, there are hardly any girls up here. Stop trying to impress your buddies and drop the ego.
  3. My beloved New York Giants. Once again, these knuckleheads are threatening to not make the playoffs. This stresses me out. I don't need it, Eli.
  4. There's a chick at another gym who wears a circa-1982 terrycloth track suit and talks on her cell non-stop while on the treadmill. I don't like this bitch.
  5. The constant mundane Facebook updates. No one cares that you just made dinner, or have a headache, or how generally awesome you are. It looks snarky and shallow. Stop.
  6. That my head can not grow hair yet my ears seem to be sprouting like a fucking Chia pet. This a bullshit tradeoff.
  7. And, while I'm at it, there seems to be more back hair fuzz. Not cool, man.
  8. That 'Almost Live' is not on anymore. I didn't live here in the late '80's/early '90's, but the reruns are still very, very funny and did a great job of capturing an exciting era. Bring it back!
  9. That every Mariner fan keeps holding on to that glorious 1995 ALDS victory over the Yankees. Take note: when your teams' shining memory was 17 years ago, you might want to find something slightly more recent to remember.
 10. Rubbernecking. Yes, there was an accident. Yes, someone may be hurt. No, we don't need to fucking stop and look at it. I am a very important man and I have shit to do. Move your ass. Thanks.
  Ok, enough of my complaining. I will think of more later. Now go have some eggnog.